dear sayang,

i lost them. pictures, videos, words, voice messages. i lost them.
i had it all in this 'secret' hidden folder i made. but then dad
got me this new laptop so i had to copy and reorganize my folders.
including ours. i placed it in C cus i tot 'hey this is a new laptop
no way its gonna get corrupted or anything'. allah proved me wrong.
just after a couple months of using it, my laptop somehow went giler.
i tried to fix it but the only solution was to reinstall
my OS. at that time i didnt remember anything bout our folder.
so i did. i was happy that i got the laptop working again, unaware
bout our files. unaware how i would feel losing them.

after i made that baby post just now, out of nowhere you came to mind.
like u always do. no matter how hard i try to forget, no matter how hard
i try to pretend, i cant. those closest to me know how many times
i talk about you. i thought telling people about us and how much
i hate how you hate my friends, how much you hate my what i do,
how much you hate my music, how much you hate what i like would somehow make me feel better. somehow make me hate you. its clear now ive only been fooling myself. i cry. i cry thinking bout you. i cry missing you.
once i told myself, guys who fights over a girl are stupid. guys who
cry because of love are dumb. how naive. ive experienced both. and
i keep repeating the later. god i miss you so much. i go around saying
'love is kicap. cinta itu tak wujud'...why cant i stop missing you...
i pray to allah to make me stop having thoughts about you.
i wanna look at our pics.
i wanna watch those silly videos we made. i lost them. i googled for
ways to retrieve those files. i tried r-studio.
i tried folder lock. i cant get them back. i lost them. maybe its a sign
from allah. to show that i should stop being so damn pathetic and move
on. dad once said im weak. im stupid for being this way. im sorry dad.
i cant. ive tried but i cant. i have no idea how im gonna react when
i see you on my sis' wedding.. what was i thinking.

god im so pathetic. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i havent watched sepi yet
but i read those lines from acip's blog. the part bout how you could plan
things, how you could cry and bla bla bla. but in the end, its all in
allah's hand. and i believe that. all these tears are for nothing.
i remember how much you hate it when i start to bagi ceramah, saying
things bout islam and how we should do things so allah would restu
us and our relationship. everytime i tego you, you would say "its between me and allah". sampai sekarang, i still havent figure out whats that supposed to mean. i guess no use wondering now.
if we're not meant to be. forgive me.

yana, i miss you.